Silence

Silence is difficult! I learned that silence is different than being quiet and different than not speaking. I can not speak all day long without ever being silent.

Silence involves not filling my time with so many different voices, with noise. Silence means being alone with God. Silence doesn't exist in a computer or in TV or in the radio. I recognized this about noon yesterday when I realized that I hadn't really been silent all morning; I had merely spent the morning on the computer without speaking, something I do fairly regularly.

Lunch is where I began to sit in silence, a hard task when I am accustomed to at least some TV speaking to me as I eat. After lunch Chica and I went outside to enjoy the afternoon. This was good silent time, but it ended after about an hour and a half. Coming back in I felt compelled to watch TV just for a little bit. Famous last words, right? I wrongly reasoned, "Well, I guess I am not speaking during this time, so I'm still being silent." I saw right through my hypocrisy, and I just gave in. It was too much of a weight to bear for such a long time.

I am dissappointed in myself, but I will try again. May God give me the strength to persevere.

Weeks and Days

I look back and see a string of activities stretching back to the beginning of the semester. It just all runs together. Discipleship meetings to class prep to website to coming home to dinner to baths to bed to another day filled with stuff. It all runs together.

Here are some questions at the forefront of my mind:

• Does my time bring glory to God?
• Is there enough space in the margins of my life?
• How can God work on me when I am so busy working on others?

I seriously don't know what needs to go, but something needs to go. I look really busy; I feel really busy; I don't know how to become un-busy.

Lord, are you close? There are moments that I see and feel your presence. You give me words to say to others and speak to me when I am silent. But my desire to be closer to you draws me to look at my schedule. Show me what needs to give a little? Do I need to finish the semester like this? Are you teaching me how quick life vanishes? Give me insight into your heart. I desire to know you more...even in your sufferings. In the character of Jesus. Amen.

As a "Bachelor"

This morning I woke up and turned in my bed to see my dog snoozing away. There was music playing in the other room from KSBJ, the local Christian radio station, because I do that every time Tanya and Kayla are gone. I stayed up late last night after church just working on learning CSS, a language to help with building websites.

After my normal routine, I decided to go to the office a little early to read the Bible. Then my day started, and here I am.

I wouldn't trade married life or life as a dad for anything. I don't know that I could exist otherwise. But, there are certain days that come along that God gives us that are not "normal," whatever that means. Today has been an abnormal day because the two people closest to me are gone. I have not had to do my normal husband or father duties.

God has allowed me to quiet down enough today to hear him a little more. I plan on allowing God to speak more this weekend. I can only praise God for this brief season. This is also a time that I am going to use to think about next semester's plans. I pray that God gives me wisdom through his Spirit.

More Rantings on Silence

Well, I am still limiting my talking. While I could probably speak double bass right now, it is better for recovery that I still not talk. This is hard! But, I am still learning from this little challenge.

When you talk with someone in a soft voice, they calm down! It seems like it is relaxing to them or something. People I talk to with my voice like this automatically begin whispering themselves or at least talking softer. It is funny to watch.

Their whole demeanor seems to change as they seem more patient and receptive to what I am saying. It is like this person to whom I am talking actually stops in their tracks to listen. A few have even forgotten what they were talking about because they were trying to hear me.

The lesson for me is to talk softer on a regular basis. People might start listening to me more. Anyone can learn from this, especially if they regularly find themselves in intense-filled, argumentative situations. Begin talking softer and watch patience and understanding creap into the conversation.