Painful Endurance

I looked back through my blog entries searching for "kidney stones" and found that my last onset of a kidney stone attack was December 2006...before that it was March 2006. Well...last Monday is the new last onset of kidney stone movement in my body.

Not fun! The intense pain cannot be described adequately. Moving around not being able to escape it or get relief is a helpless feeling. The not being able to keep anything in your stomach is not desirable either. The crying out to God for relief seems fruitless or impossible in the moment. But...

As I was laying on the ground in the bathroom I had a brief moment of clarity. (Maybe that is what it was...I'm still not sure.) I began repeating over and over one of the following phrases: "Lord have mercy." "Help me Lord." "Relieve the pain." "Have mercy on me." "Please Lord" "Take the pain away." I would go on and on saying one of those until I felt like saying another one. Eventually, the one I settled on more than the rest was "Help me Lord."

My moment of clarity happened when I said a few times, "Take the pain away." I thought to myself for a brief second,

"Would God really want to take my pain away miraculously right now? This seems like a cop out prayer. When would you learn endurance. This isn't going to last all day long. I need God to help me through the pain. Don't ask to take it away. This is drawing on God's strength, not yours."

While I guess I really did want God to take the pain away (I do not wish that pain on my worst enemy!!), I thought it better to ask for help. This would bring God into my pain...the one who knows endurance through pain. Even though I used other phrases from that point on, I avoided asking for the pain to go away and settle on asking for help. I think this has helped me a little bit with endurance through suffering.

The saga continues as I recover from Monday afternoon. I have developed a little kidney infection, but antibiotics from the doctor should help. Praise the Lord! I am curious to see how this little endurance exercise helps me with other situations requiring gut-wrenching endurance. Feel free to share your own.

God does what God does

Last Thursday I had a conversation that I have never had before (by choice) and will never have again (again by choice). The conversation was with Daniel, our intern. We had both talked with a student in our ministry, L, earlier that afternoon. She was wondering why things don't go easy for her and was asking for us to pray for her being able to get into a class to graduate on time. Both of us prayed for her.

Daniel mentioned in our conversation that he couldn't help but think about how easy things go for him most of the time. In his transition to another school housing, acceptance, transferring credits, and other little things just took care of themselves without much effort. I anticipate more of the same. As Daniel and I talked, I actually told him something I think fairly regular...I just don't ever say it. I told Daniel that I am not surprised things are going well for him. His life compared to L's is much more focused on God, much more in pursuit of godly endeavors, etc. Of course God is going to make things more easy for him.

Our conversation was much more complex than this. I told him my hesitancy to ever say something like this. I always think of the life of Job in situations like this. That keeps my mouth shut...as it should. Then I began to explore being able to discern God's will. With equal hesitancy I always balk in presuming to know his will for sure. I told Daniel that I think we need to allow the Holy Spirit guide us in times like this. We can know God's will through his Spirit...it just takes a listening heart. And on the conversation went...meddling in the activity of saying how God works in people's lives.

On my way home I picked up some Chili's. It was good. By the end of my meal however, I was having some major indigestion. Then the thought occurred to me that this was the same feeling I had with my kidney stones a while back. I began downing water like a madman.

The rest of the evening was spent in my room, mainly in the bathroom. I threw up my whole meal and more. Four hours of horrible-ness!! I couldn't keep even the water that I continued to drink down. And the pain continued to get worse. Only once I prayed to the Lord to take away my pain (toward the end). I don't know why I didn't cry out to him earlier.

Right before I prayed a dreadful thought occurred to me. I am convinced that the thought (voice?) was from the Lord. The thought was, "Do not presume to know how I work." As I prayed, I asked for relief so that God could be glorified. That is what I am doing now. I am telling you that I believe God caused my pain (in Job-like fashion) to humble my prideful presumptions.

I warn you: do not presume to know how and why God works in people's lives. Let us, however, be the ones God uses to accomplish his will.

Crying is for Wimps

Woke up yesterday morning just fine...or so I thought. Apparently, I had a little bitty piece of calcium getting caught somewhere between my kidneys and my bladder. AKA...a kidney stone. I cannot describe the pain that I was in, but I will say that I cried. I don't think tears came out...well...now that I think about it...there were tears.

Why is it that men tend to say that crying is for wimps? This emotion is something that God gave as a normal human expression. People cry. This is not something to be ashamed of or that someone should try to suppress all the time. It is actually freeing when we cry because the emotion we tend to feel during these times cannot be expressed in anything other way except by tears...and it is okay.

I can understand the reaction that "non-crying" men have. They do not want to be perceived as one of those women who can't control their emotions all the time. We see them on TV all over the place. So, this crying business is a supposed sign of weakness.

This is were I disagree. Crying is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. You show those around you that you feel pain, that you have emotions, that you can express them like everyone else on the face of the planet. Everyone does this, and strong men show their vulnerability.

Father, help me to be real with all my emotions. I know that you have shed many a tear over us. I know that you have been angry with us and shown it. I know that you are filled with joy at times. I know that you have emotions that I cannot completely know. Lord, help me to be real today.